losing

i have lost many things since i set out on my own. from the first class picnic, to the last hotspring visit day before yesterday.

Countless other pair of socks, spoon, missed opportunities, my crooked castle, songs, a finger, duppata and a life.

I remember the first time i had left a spoon back at the river side picnic I had gone to first as a kid with my classmates. My mother told me " you loose everything, from a spoon to your sleeping bag. One day you will loose your head if that was possible."

I have indeed lost my head.

I like to leave without leaving any traces of my presence. Somehow I tend to leave physical evidences unconciously.

I wonder what has happened to that missing purple woolen cardigan, my turquoise ear rings, those 20 pairs of hairpins I bought a month ago, the spoon, socks etc.

Do they still thrive somewhere rotting, like a living memory of people i have met.

Or have they just disappeared, like i wish some memories to vanish away.

I do not know.

Yesterday, a friend of mine had emailed me asking" Why is love difficult to achieve, why do people take refuge in connections with other people, connections that appears
to be superficial, not honest, based on lies, often referred to as
politeness? why cant we live in solitude? in other words why do we need distractions?"


I was with friends and I had yet to realise I had lost my phone then.
I replied back, "love is not difficult to achieve, we just lack courage to trust"

But something about that email asked and told me things that i have also wondered, found answers and sometimes i purposely made those thoughts disappear, like another pair of hairpins I would loose.

is it painful to loose things?
is it painful to loose something that belongs to you?
is it painful to loose a part of yourself?

Oh, I know.

those hairpins could hold my hair now, those socks will keep me warm, that spoon could still feed someone or i can make it into a catapult.
everything that you loose has an essence, because you owned it once for reasons that you knew were going to accompany you, you welcomed them hoping to make life more beautiful.





I wish him luck and hope he does not loose these questions like i have lost them.


It is going to be a cold winter.