written this more than a year ago when self-immolations started to gain its momentum.

because i am sad and angry

A year ago, I had asked a Tibetan from Tibet how he would describe the situation inside Tibet as. He said "Tibet is like a butter lamp and the oil is running out.”

That line stayed with me and I would wonder what would happen if the lamp dies and how it will die and what would be the last stages of its flickering would be like.

On 16th March this year, a young Tibetan, 20 year old, set himself on fire.

A few months later in August, a monk self immolated.

Last month, the younger brother of the 20 year old allowed himself to be consumed by flames.

And then followed another 6 Tibetans within a span of less than a month who immolated themselves.

Today is 18th October. I dread each passing day about a news of another frustrated soul giving up his or her own life.

According to Tibetan Buddhism, taking your own life is a sin. Suicide is a sin which deprives you of 500 lives in the form of a human being in this realm. Many of the Tibetans who burnt themselves alive by gulping kerosene and lighting their bodies are the more religious bound people, monks and nuns.

This is a cruel joke.

Is this a suicide or a sacrifice?

Is this violence or offering your body as a butter lamp?

Is this madness or the hopelessness of a non violent movement?

will there be more or no one will care?

I could go on. Tibetans might be denied to possess flammable liquid by the chinese authorities in the light of the recent developments. You see, things could be easily made illegal in Tibet. for eg: possession of the Dalai Lama’s picture, listening to songs of “sensitive” lyrics or having more than 2 childern and etc.

My friend’s mother who is from the eastern part of Tibet where China began the invasion, told me ” When the chinese first came into our village. They were very sweet and were building lot of roads. They were very hardworking poeple. We would give them food and offer warm blankets. They said they were in Tibet to help us and develop us. Though we gave them food, we always suspected that their sweet talks were not genuine. But we gave them food.”

She is a fiesty old woman, my friend’s mother, a Khampa. Whenever we meet and have time for a cup of tea, she always asks me about what is happening inside Tibet. She regrets having given food to the ungrateful chinese who soon came with tanks on the roads they had built and robbed her home and made her flee to India.

I told her a few days ago about the self immolations.

These days I avoid her. I can not bring myself to tell her about more Tibetans burning themselves to death. What can i offer her other than hopelessness and despair at her advanced age. Do i want to? No.

Today at a movie screening where i was asked to help the audience to answer their questions, someone said a very interesting thing, “Any movement that gained its goal through violence will always live with the legacy of violence. If you use violence in your revolution, your new goverment will be a violent one as well.”

Someone else said “People will only notice when there is violence. The international community or the world media will pay attention only when there are bombings.”

True. I work for an International news agency. Its business or news of international interest at the end of the day. You need drama. someone torching him/herself is not enough.

So, my question is will the self immolations of these people will become a trend, a boring trend? Many other people die in a freedom movement or in a natural calamity. Whats the scoop here?

But, will non violence and self inflicted deaths or sacrifices will be “BIG” or dire enough for the rest of the world to do something about it?

Seriously, if no sovereign country who respects human rights or all the other corny shit written in the conventions that they are signatory to, give a fart about whats going on inside Tibet or have the balls to do something about it, i want these Tibetans to stop it. I want these Tibetans to come back to their lives.

I love life. I want to be able to love life whether you are under oppression or not. I want the Tibetans to live.

I am again reminded of the line, “Tibet is like a butter lamp and the oil is running out.” Now I know how the lamp will die or how it will be kept alive. I think the oil is running out and the Tibetans are burning themselves to keep the flame alive.

As i go to bed now, I dread the new day cause it might have already born the cost of another self immolation in Tibet. om mani pemay hu.

losing

i have lost many things since i set out on my own. from the first class picnic, to the last hotspring visit day before yesterday.

Countless other pair of socks, spoon, missed opportunities, my crooked castle, songs, a finger, duppata and a life.

I remember the first time i had left a spoon back at the river side picnic I had gone to first as a kid with my classmates. My mother told me " you loose everything, from a spoon to your sleeping bag. One day you will loose your head if that was possible."

I have indeed lost my head.

I like to leave without leaving any traces of my presence. Somehow I tend to leave physical evidences unconciously.

I wonder what has happened to that missing purple woolen cardigan, my turquoise ear rings, those 20 pairs of hairpins I bought a month ago, the spoon, socks etc.

Do they still thrive somewhere rotting, like a living memory of people i have met.

Or have they just disappeared, like i wish some memories to vanish away.

I do not know.

Yesterday, a friend of mine had emailed me asking" Why is love difficult to achieve, why do people take refuge in connections with other people, connections that appears
to be superficial, not honest, based on lies, often referred to as
politeness? why cant we live in solitude? in other words why do we need distractions?"


I was with friends and I had yet to realise I had lost my phone then.
I replied back, "love is not difficult to achieve, we just lack courage to trust"

But something about that email asked and told me things that i have also wondered, found answers and sometimes i purposely made those thoughts disappear, like another pair of hairpins I would loose.

is it painful to loose things?
is it painful to loose something that belongs to you?
is it painful to loose a part of yourself?

Oh, I know.

those hairpins could hold my hair now, those socks will keep me warm, that spoon could still feed someone or i can make it into a catapult.
everything that you loose has an essence, because you owned it once for reasons that you knew were going to accompany you, you welcomed them hoping to make life more beautiful.





I wish him luck and hope he does not loose these questions like i have lost them.


It is going to be a cold winter.